


Tattered hearts.

by Lorirose



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-26
Updated: 2018-09-26
Packaged: 2019-07-18 01:00:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16107488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lorirose/pseuds/Lorirose
Summary: As their wedding looms, Robert's demons begin to whisper again.





	Tattered hearts.

Tattered hearts.

Robert Sugden. 

 

One month. 

Thirty short days until a once secret dream became a reality. One I had never dared to believe that someone like me could have. A rather large part of me was still waiting to wake up to a life without Aaron. It never seemed real enough. 

Aaron rolled over, bundled underneath the duvet and shoved his nose into my shoulder. His beard scratched at my skin and his nose dug in painfully. Clicking my tongue, I attempted to rearrange him against me but he squirmed around uncomfortably and grumbled. With an eye roll, I pulled him against my chest and let him curl into me, his nose falling into the junction between my neck and shoulder. He hummed appreciatively and pressed a chaste kiss to my collarbone. Saturday mornings never agreed with him, the week's workload caught up with him and left him bed bound until midday at least. I adored the stillness that came with it, Aaron soft and sleepy in my arms, Liv and Seb camped out in front of the telly. It had somehow become an unspoken rule between us, Liv would be on Seb duty until lunch if we were prepared to negotiate her curfew on Saturdays. Most days it worked, we only had the odd confrontation about it. 

This was my family. Safe and happy within the walls of my home. 

It was tattered at the edges and held together with glue and sheer determination but it was mine. I had fought for it even though I wasn't sure I deserved it. Did a man like me really deserve the love I was given? After everything I had done and the hurt I had caused? Aaron welcomed me back when any sane man would have run a mile. Liv stood up for me when a well placed insult had knocked the words from my head. I even had Chas and Paddy's blessing without really knowing how. 

How?

Wasn't I the same man who had broken their son's heart? The one they wished would disappear so that Aaron could make a life with the doctor who was a better man than I could ever be. 

Soft lips pressed against the underside of my jaw and I jumped, peering down into hazy blue eyes. I smiled, angling Aaron's face so that I could kiss him good morning without straining our necks. This was my favourite Aaron, the loving and affectionate one that I was starting to see more often now. His hand curled against my cheek as we broke apart, his thumb stroking softly. 

"Morning," I said.

"Morning," He rasped, "You were miles away,"

"Sorry, I was just thinkin',"

Aaron's eyes narrowed and he pursed his lips, "About what?"

"Wedding stuff. The usual,"

He flopped back down onto my chest, drawing the blankets around him. This man was my everything, my very reason for existing and I had almost thrown him away. For what? For the little boy I adored but had almost cost me Aaron. How could I have been so insecure? There must have been countless times when Aaron had looked at me and only seen what I had done. I kissed him and saw my future but for all I knew, he could taste my betrayal on my lips. There could be a day when he decided that I wasn't forgiven and everything I had was ripped away from me again. A chill shot through me and my hand stilled on Aaron's back. 

What if Aaron thought this wedding was a mistake? That I was irredeemable? 

I couldn't lose him again. I'd shatter into a thousand shards.

Sick to my stomach, I bolted upright, dislodging Aaron from my chest with a startled yelp. I flew of the bed, heart beating loudly in my ears and my breaths tight in my chest. There was a horrible moment of indecision, I wanted to run but didn't know where to go. Outside to the villagers who whispered about me and thought I didn't hear or to the family who had kicked me out time and time again. I would never survive if I had to leave again. If Aaron decided that he couldn't love me the same. I made a break for the door but Aaron was faster than me and had me pinned to his chest before I had even touched the handle. His strength at my back was comforting. He had always been the foundation that I had built myself back up on. But it had been taken away from me and my handmade concrete was flimsy and cracked. I sank back into his hold, soaking up every little scrap of affection he gave me and I let him support me. His chest rose and fell with mine and his breaths fanned across my neck as he held on tight. It was only then I became aware of my frenzied breathing and Aaron's quiet murmurs in my ear.

"Easy Rob, just breathe, you're okay, I'm here, I've got you,"

I clutched for his hands around my middle and hung on tight, dragging in a strangled breath, "Aaron,"

"You with me?"

I nodded. 

"Say it. I need to hear it,"

"Y-yeah, I'm with you,"

I shuffled in his arms until I had enough room to turn around and face him. His eyes were wide and face ashen, the fear in him almost palpable. I brushed my fingertips against his cheek and shamefully glanced away. I was supposed to be the strength, he was meant to be able to rely on me. Why would he want me now? When I was little more than decades old insecurities. 

"Sorry," I whispered to our feet, "I panicked," 

He huffed out a bewildered laugh that sounded a little forced, "I'll say. What brought it on?"

I locked my lips and shook my head. I couldn't tell him that the demons he thought were long gone had never really left. That they whispered in my ear so often that I knew their script back to front. I didn't deserve the life I was living. It was stolen from someone worthy. I tried to pull away from Aaron, to put distance between us to regain so control but he locked his arms around me tighter. 

"Let go Aaron,"

"Not likely. You gonna talk to me?"

"Nothing to talk about. I'm fine,"

Warm fingers curled around my chin and forced my head up. I looked away and Aaron patted my cheek until I caved and peeked at him. I hunted for the hatred in his eyes, for the disgust that had to be there but I only found concern. Aaron's touch turned a little more tender and his hand moved to stroke my cheekbone. 

"You just had a panic attack, that's not fine. After the seizure you promised to talk to me, Rob. Please,"

"I...it's complicated,"

He smiled slightly, "What isn't with you?"

I picked at the skin on my thumb, "I'm sorry. I don't mean to be,"

Aaron sighed, "I didn't mean that in a bad way. It keeps life interesting,"

I snorted, twisting away from him to pace over to the window and peer down at the sleepy street. Chas and Charity ambled by outside, happy and animated, I had never felt so much like a fraud. No matter how many times I tried to convince myself that I was one of them, I knew I wasn't. I was tolerated because Aaron said he loved me. Chas smiled and comforted me because I was one half of a pair. Not because she liked me or wanted to make me feel better. It was all for Aaron. I sensed his presence behind me but he didn't touch me again. I wasn't sure if I appreciated that or not. 

"Do you wish that you were with Alex instead of me?"

A pause, "What?"

"He was good for you, wasn't he? A proper gentlemen and all that nonsense. Chas liked him. She's never like me,"

"Alex was a nice enough guy but I didn't want him. I want you. We've had this conversation. Is this you tryna get out of the wedding? Because I've got news for you Sugden, you're gonna have to try and lot harder than that,"

My knuckles turned white as I gripped the windowsill, "Of course not, you Muppet. I want to marry you,"

"So why bring Alex up? He's gone and who cares what Mum really thinks,"

"You do. I do,"

"What's this really about?"

I let my forehead tip forward until it was pressed against the cool glass, "Have you really forgiven me for what I did? For everything I've done?"

"What are you talking about?"

I squeezed my eyes shut, "Don't be dense, Aaron. You know exactly what I'm talking about. Do you forgive me for cheating on you?"

_That's us! Smashed to bits and it's because of you!_

"Yes,"

He made it sound so simple but did he really know how much it meant to me. I had to clutch at the windowsill to remain upright. 

"Don't lie to me. You can't marry me if you haven't. It's not fair on either of us,"

Aaron pounced on me, his blunt nails digging into my shoulders and he span me around and slammed me against the wall just hard enough to rattle my teeth. Finally, there was the fury I had wanted to see in his eyes and I clung onto it. He pressed his weight against my front and surged up on his toes to slam a heated kiss to my lips. I gasped into it, his hands were in my hair and I was quickly loosing my usual dominance. I clutched at the worn fabric of his sleep shirt, a sob rising in my throat. How could this beautiful, intoxicating man be mine? Aaron pulled away panting and pulled my head down until my face was nestled in his neck. I sought out the comfort he so willingly offered shamelessly.

"You listen to me good Robert Sugden. At first I was mad at you, yeah, you hurt me and I was angry at you for that. But like I told you before, you're it for me. I knew from the beginning that Alex was a rebound but you're the only who who hasn't seen it. Even Paddy worked it out. I could never have loved him the way I love you,"

I sniffed, "But what if you change your mind in a year's time? You deserve better than a screw up like me. I'm nothing,"

"Hey!" I jumped at the swat to the back of my head, "I won't let you talk about my fiance like that. You're brilliant, I'm amazed by you every single day. It's a bit embarrassing really, Mum's called me out on it before. And I'll change my mind about you when pig's fly," I wanted to laugh but only sobbed instead. Aaron just clutched me a little bit tighter to him. "Oh, baby. How long have you been keeping this in?

I shrugged the best I could, "Few days,"

"Idiot. I'm so in love with you it's unreal. I will never want anyone else. Ever,"

"But you hated me. You said we couldn't be together because we'd never work. How could you change your mind so easily?"

He pushed at my shoulders until I moved back with just enough distance to wrap my arms tight around my chest. Aaron's hands were back on my face, his eyes desperate and wet, like he was afraid. I reached for him, pushing his messy fringe away from his eyes. 

"We wouldn't have worked then. Both of us were too messed up to function together. We'd have driven each other further away and I'd never let that happen to us. We work now because we're fine, well almost,"

I tried to blink back the relieved tears but they fell regardless, so I shoved my hands over my face and hid in them. 

"What if I'm the man everyone thinks I am?"

"You are," Aaron said so confidently that I flinched, "You're kind, you've got a wicked sense of humour, you love your family and that even extends to the Dingles. I know that you'd move mountains to keep me, Liv and Seb safe, even if it hurt you. I see a man who made a mistake and who owned up to it and stepped up to the mark. And that's what everyone out there sees. A wonderful, loving, beautiful man. The person I always knew you were. And I'm proud to walk down the aisle with you. I can't wait until I can legally call you my husband and no one can take you away from me. You're mine. And if you want to me to be, I'm yours,"

I lowered my hands to stare at him, "I get to keep you?"

A warm bright smile stretched Aaron's lips, "Forever if you'd like,"

"I really would,"

"Done,"

 

 


End file.
